It’s the holiday season, folks! And naturally, that means that bloggers are out in full force with our annual holiday gift guides! (Insert eye roll here.)
I’ve never done a gift guide before. And lucky for you, I will NOT be making this an annual thing (or at least I’m not planning on it at the moment). But in the spirit of doing things my own way, I give you my 2016 Top Ten Holiday Gift Guide for Oddballs (Dave Letterman style). Drum roll please…
Gift #10 (for parents everywhere): How to Traumatize Your Children, $11.03
I mean, all of our kids are eventually going to blame us for something we did wrong as parents, right? Why not beat them to the punch this holiday season by purchasing this book with “seven proven methods to help you screw up your kids”? You’re welcome. Click here for your copy!
Gift #9 (for the bike enthusiast): Bike Tail Lights, $7.96
My husband happens to be a cyclist. And what is better than a pair of balls…for your bike? Click here to purchase these for someone who is into cycling…or balls…or both.
Gift #8 (for your pets): The Pet Umbrella, $9.99
How many times has your poor dog taken a dump in the rain while you hog up all of the umbrella? I mean, can you imagine doing your business while a monsoon drenches you? Well…pet lovers, rejoice! There finally is a solution! Click here to buy Fido the coverage he’s been dreaming of!
Gift #7 (for the traveler): Travel Belt Hitch, $17.95
With long lines, hordes of frustrated people, and full body scans, airports are nightmares come to life. But the real problem with airport travel is that you never get to stand around with free use of your hands, right? Enter the travel belt hitch. You want to text while drinking coffee? No problem. You want to wash both hands at the same time without having your luggage be deemed as suspicious? Look no further. Click here for the answer to all of your dual hand airport needs.
Gift #6 (for the beer lover with a sweet tooth): Draft Beer Jelly Belly, $2.59
Beer and candy? Well…I guess it would depend on how drunk I am. But if you need a gift for a beer lover, I’m sure purchasing another boring beer mug is not an option you want to explore again. So, why not try these beer flavored jelly beans? Click here to try them out!
Gift #5 (for the dreamer): Bag of Unicorn Farts, $10.99
In the land of the dreamers, unicorns, rainbows, elves and fairies live in a very real place – right here on Earth. And if they are Earth dwellers, then I imagine these mystical creatures also have bodily functions. But because they are so much more impressive than the human race, their farts get massed produced and sold in bags for profit. I’m not sure what the bag will smell like, or what the benefit of owning this would be, but I’m sure if you have a dreamer in your life, he/she will figure it out. Click here to get your bag of unicorn farts!
Gift #4 (for the neat freak): Nail Capsule Fingernail Catcher, $8
Do you know someone who would rather die than find a nail clipping on her floor? Neither do I. But just in case, click here to check out this little contraption that keeps all of your nail clippings tidily in place.
Gift #3 (for the poop lovers): Doody Head Game, $11.48
Poop paraphernalia is everywhere. I can’t get away from it. My nine year old daughter thinks poop emojis are “cute”. And because my husband always says, “If you can’t get out of it, get into it”, I have a feeling this game will be under our Christmas tree this year. If you know a poop obsessed kid (or adult), click here for this riveting poophead game.
Gift #2 (for the crazy cat lady in your life): Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure, $14.99
I don’t think this gift needs any explanation whatsoever. Although, I take issue with the “action” figure description. I’m not sure what type of action this doll would attempt to maneuver. Does she climb trees in her robe, searching for a cat in need? Does she gallantly tear her robe open, unveiling a giant cat symbol that shines in the night sky, allowing all of the cats in the neighborhood to know that she’s the lady with the food? I’m baffled by her superhero merchandising status. But click here if you know a cat lady who needs a reminder of why she’s so awesome.
And the #1 oddball gift of the 2016 holiday season goes to…
Wash Your Nuts Soap on a Rope, $14.99
If you like sex as much as I do, then you know that your hormones want what they want when they want it. Even if your man recently finished a two-hour workout, you want him…now. Though your hormones may not mind schweddy balls, your mind is a different matter. And as said best by Margaret Cho, “Wash EEEEET!”
Which is why Wash Your Nuts is the perfect friendly reminder, as well as the perfect holiday gift for couples. Click here to purchase this nutty stocking stuffer for your man!
And once again, thanks for being randomly amused with me! Happy holidays and happy shopping!